As we approach the month of February, I wanted to share some of my thoughts about love. I know that February is the month where many people choose to intentionally focus on their relationship(s) and love. It is a month where people buy expensive gifts, flowers, and go out for fancy dinners. It is a month where people fantasize about what love is or could be. It is a month where people often create unrealistic expectations and fall apart when these expectations are not met.
As a sex and relationship therapist, February is one of my least favorite months to do therapy. Many of my clients get their hopes up only to have them shattered. People focus on the surface level ideals of what love should look like or what I like to call, the fairytale narrative (thanks Disney). Love is so much more than Valentine’s Day, sex, fancy dinners, and roses.
I believe that love starts within us. Love is more than a feeling… love is a way of being and must start with self. If we do not learn how to love and accept who we are then how can we truly love or accept anyone else? You cannot give something that you do not already have… and so I would like to encourage everyone to focus on self-love this February. Instead of looking outward for acceptance, validation, or love, could we instead turn inward.
How do you treat yourself? How do you speak to and about yourself? Are you taking time to recharge your emotional and/or physical self? When is the last time that you said no to someone else to say yes to one of your needs or desires? In America, we often get the message that it is selfish to prioritize self. We are encouraged to give of ourselves to everything and everyone else. Unfortunately, this often results in burnout, pressure, stress, or exhaustion. To be the best version for others you have to first take care of and prioritize yourself.
I encourage my clients to take at least 15 minutes a day to check in with their bodies, to acknowledge how they feel, and to see what they need. For some people self-love is reading a book, taking a bath, or crying in the closet. For me, self- love is whatever recharges or brings me back to my core self. It is your responsibility to love and take care of you.
Many of us are blessed to have other people in our lives who love us, but that does not mean these people always know how to love us the way we long to be loved. When you learn to love and accept yourself you are able to teach others what kind of love you desire. Other people cannot magically know how you feel, interpret, or experience love. It is your job to teach others about who you are and what you want or need.
When I work with sex therapy clients, I often say that “you are the greatest lover you will ever have” to which many clients look at me like I have five heads. In a world that often shames self-exploration, masturbation, or curiosity about your body we do not always know what we want or like when it comes to sex, pleasure, or love. It is our privilege to explore our own bodies and discover what we like. Once we do this with ourselves, we are them able to teach others.
Do you wake up every morning knowing that you have value and that you are deserving of love and pleasure? We live in a culture that teaches us that we need to have a significant other to feel loved. I personally feel like this belief puts a ton of pressure on relationships and on partners. How can another person make you feel loved, seen, heard, or valued each and every day? No matter how amazing your partner is that’s a lot to put on one person.
Instead, I believe our partners are people who have the privilege of walking along side of us as we learn to accept and love who we are. When two or more partners are given the freedom and space to grow as individuals while also growing with their partner(s) we are able to create a healthy and balanced relationship. It is easy to get lost in the whirlwind of valentine’s day and in everything consumerism has made February into.
This year I invite you to join me in focusing on self-love instead, for when we learn to love ourselves, we are capable of almost anything.
I will leave you with this quote that I found as you navigate the journey of learning to love yourself.
“How do you love yourself well?” “Make your well-being and healing a top priority. Have the courage to create boundaries that will support your flourishing. Listen closely to your intuition, respect your need for rest, and connect with people who are emotionally available. Being intentional with your life is loving yourself well.”
– Andreya Jones, Ph.D., LCSW, CST
Andreya lives with her partner, two beautiful children, and a lively household of fur babies who keep her constantly on her toes. Having grown up in Papua New Guinea and Senegal, West Africa, Andreya became fluent in three languages. Her passion for learning and reading is boundless, and she finds joy in both travel and writing. Above all, she is fascinated by the complexity and brilliance of the human mind. Certified by the American Association for Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists as a Certified Sex Therapist, Andreya also holds a Ph.D. in clinical sexology. Visit her website here: https://andreyajonescounseling.com/about-us/